Extra! Extra! Shanahan from Outer Space, Griffin Running Scared
October 1st, 2004
I just got off of the phone with this little Quentin Griffin running back and have come to the conclusion that the thing is quite disturbed.
Scoop Miller: So why aren’t you producing Quentin?
Quentin: Coach is from outer space.
Scoop Miller: What are you saying Quentin?
Quentin: Coach is from outer space.
Scoop Miller: Give it too me straight Q, I can take it.
Quentin: Coach is from outer space.


(ABOVE) Exclusive Photo of Mike Shanahan on Planet Shanahan as compared to his Sunday afternoon “Earthware.”
This got the noodle in motion and I realized that every time I've interviewed Shanahan he has given no detail that is relevant to planet earth. I was able to get Shanahan on the phone. (Did you know that there are video phones now? I fell off my chair when an image of Shanahan’s face appeared out of static in my living room.)
Scoop Miller: What do you usually have for breakfast?
Shanahan: Food pills.
Scoop Miller: What is the name of your wife?
Shanahan: RXE222.
Scoop Miller: Where are you from?
Shanahan: You’ve never heard of it.
I then heard what sounded like television static and his face disappeared. I went to the front porch to stare into the heavy night air. There were airplanes scattered all over the skies of the Twin Cities. These flying machines made me think about worlds far away. Was Shanahan delivered to earth in a flying machine? I was looking up to the stars and wondering if the head coach of the Denver Broncos at one time in his life took an exit that said "Planet Earth."
I have to go chase myself, I sense the onset of a bender.
Planet Shanahan Sending Mixed Messages to Planet Earth
July 13th, 2006
That creature from outer space Mike Shanahan is at it again. That dewdropper sends more mixed signals than Mae West at a cocktail party. He now has proclaimed that the Denver Broncos will be starting Ron Dayne, Tatum Bell & Cedric Cobbs at running back. Shanahan’s shenanigans has fantasy football managers fleeing for juice joints. What the hell is going on out there in
I interviewed Shanahan earlier today, his face emerging from static in my living room hovering just above Oscar sleeping on the floor.
Scoop: Listen Shanahan, tell it to me straight, who’s your starting Running Back going to be in 2006?
Shanahan: Ron Dayne.
Scoop: So you’re saying for sure that it’s Dayne?
Shanahan: Tatum Bell.
Scoop: What? Where am I? Mike?
Shanahan: Cedric Cobbs.
Scoop: Cobbs? What the hell is wrong with you?
Shanahan: Transmission fading.
Scoop: Can you send me some booze pills from Planet Shanahan?
Shanahan: Ron Dayne.
Scoop: What?
Shanahan: Tatum Bell.
Scoop: Go chase yourself.
Shanahan: Cedric Cobbs.
Scoop: You dewdrop . . .
Shanahan: Terrell Davis. Transmission. Ceased.
His face disappeared just as Oscar walked into a wall. I was tired of these chewing gum conversations with Shanahan. That space invader ruffles my feathers more than some Joe Brooks in glad rags talking fancy to my date at a party. Screw this, I’m off to the Midway to get bent and curse interplanetary lollygaggers.
Planet Shanahan Names Alien as Starting Running Back
August 17th, 2006
Holy Hannah Rose! Mike Shanahan has freaked me out for the last time. It’s 7:26 a.m. in
THE
After an arduous pre-season of trying to guess what shoes Shanahan was going to wear with his suit I had just about settled on the fact that Tatum Bell would end up being the Denver Broncos first string running back when the season opens in a few weeks. I couldn’t have been more wrong. First, that interplanetary lollygagger named Ron Dayne the starter, next he told the world that Cedric Cobbs was a supernatural being, and then he kind of mentioned that the running back with the most talent, Tatum Bell, was in the lead. It was all a set up.
Shanahan is ready to unleash an interplanetary running back on the National Football League. I interviewed Shanahan last night and caught him dead to rights on the true origin of Mike Bell.
Scoop: What the hell is the matter with you?
Shanahan: I’m fine, how are you?
Scoop: (Silence)
Shanahan: (Whirring)
Scoop: How’s RXE222?
Shanahan: She’s good. How’s Rita?
Scoop: Watch it, pal. What did you have for dinner?
Shanahan: Food pills.
Scoop: Who is your starting running back?
Shanahan: RNU777, er, I mean, Mike Bell. Gotta Go.
Well knock me over with Mae West's purse, I was asking those questions so fast that the interplanetary lollygagger revealed everything to me in a moment of ambiguity. The implications of this are huge. Does it state anywhere in the NFL rulebook that creatures from outer space CAN’T play in the NFL? I don’t think it does.
Shanahan has been grooming Mike Bell since he was born on Planet Shanahan under the name RNU777. After years in the Planet Shanahan Running Back Facility.
Broncos Secret RB Facility
He was shipped down to planet earth and installed at the
If you aren't putting ice in a highball glass right now, what the hell is wrong with you?
October 1st, 2006

Denver
Jake Plummer is about to be replaced by an alien as the only thing really working in
New Cyborg Smell
October 10th, 2006
As predicted last week the reinforcements have arrived from Planet Shanahan! I don’t know if that was Javon Walker and Tatum Bell on Sunday or RKW929 and RFB 455 but whoever it was running around the field was literally glowing with that new cyborg shine. If you looked close enough at Shanahan on Sunday you could see the sliest little alien grin mucking up the lens of the camera as Shanahan still has designs on conquering NFL earth with his legion of space invader footballers. I recently interviewed this interplanetary lollygagger on the set of his house, which is just a fake front so that people don’t see the spaceship in the backyard.
Scoop: How’s RXE222
Planet Shanahan: She’s good, thanks for asking. How’s Rita?
This interview abruptly ended after I charged Planet Shanahan. I was apprehended by two horse robots.