My Dinner with Andre (or Bill from Fox Sports)

September 19th, 2005

I’ve had it with those prom-trotters at Fox Sports. That’s an understatement but that lead just leapt out of me like giggle juice from an upside down bottle. Those saps have chipped away at my brain cells as much as anything I’ve done to myself since 1994.

Two weeks ago I had an encounter with one of the aliens from planet idiot. I was sitting in the bar of a Cincinnati hotel, after the Vikings-Bengals debacle, drinking a tonic water devoured by a gin shark. This guy sits down on the barstool next to me and orders a Miller Lite He looks at me and I look at my drink. He asks me, "How bout that game today? Great game. Greeat game. Greeeeat game. Great game. Great, great, great, great game." I immediately look to the left thinking I was suddenly slipped into a suburban backyard picnic. Who the hell was this guy? I give this Joe Brooks a good look in the eye, my eyes barely showing to him. He touches his eyelid thinking I’m alluding to it.

Somehow I end up having dinner with this guy and he’s reacting to everything that’s going on around him.

"This table setting took a solid game plan. I like this table setting. You know if you had to pick out a guy to be a table setting it would be this one right here."

"What guy?"

"No if this table setting was a guy, I mean look at this thing. Fork. Fork. Dinner plate. Spoon. Knife. Roll plate. Salad plate. Empty coffee cup turned upside down on a coaster. Glass of water. Napkin. Boom. Table Setting 101. This is how you set a table."

"And suddenly everything became clear to him."

"What’s that?"


"Who’d he play for?"

"The Wordsmiths."


Yes, everything did become clear to me; every inter-conference NFC game I've watched for the past decade my ear has been filled with the same voice, the same guy, at least 10 of them, doing the color commentary. This was one of the meathead drones, Bill Maas, from Fox Sports, the most offensive thing to happen to professional football since the 60’s Chargers. Fox football announcers are the worst kind of robot.

"I like this steak. This steak is good. This is a good steak. You know when a steak is good when you see that meat inside of it. That's the good part. The meat."

I looked into his eyes trying to detect a glimmer of any human quality.

"Did you see that waitress take that seam right there. I like that. Right there. She saw it. She took it. She was in complete control of her tray as she stopped for the old lady to pass and accelerated through the seam before the young couple passed through. That’s a great job by that waitress. Great job. I like that. I like that waitress"

"What?" I said to him, looking at his suddenly flush face, there was mashed potatoes on the tip of his nose and on his forehead. There were little shards of broccoli clinging to his sweaty face.

He says "What?" His plate was empty.

I tried to punch him but somehow my arm didn’t quite reach the other side of the table but it did end up above my scotch.


Anonymous said...

uggs outlet NetWeiple
cheap uggs NetWeiple
ugg outlet online NetWeiple

Anonymous said...

cheap uggs on sale NetWeiple
uggs cheap NetWeiple
ugg outlet NetWeiple

Anonymous said...

ugg outlet online NetWeiple NetWeiple
cheap ugg boots NetWeiple

Anonymous said...

[url=]buy levitra online[/url] - cheap levitra online , levitra online

Anonymous said...

Hello. And Bye. Thank you very much.

Anonymous said...

[url=]viagra online without prescription[/url] - viagra 120 mg , viagra 120 mg

Anonymous said...

[url=]accutane online without prescription[/url] - accutane online without prescription , accutane without prescription

Anonymous said...

[url=]direct lender payday loans[/url] - payday loans online , payday loans online

Anonymous said...

There are many products in this world and none of them live alone and you are able to have numerous and a lot of copies of. Instead, bookies are now being kept alive by fixed-odds touch-screen casino machines see chart [url=]online payday loans[/url] however just if you come in urgent situation either to deal with your house or concerning medical problems, go for cash advance payday cash advances. There are many lenders available inside financial market. We used a five-point grading process to appraise the administration's reported proposal online payday loans in it, that works over to that loan of $34,000 at eighty-five percent or $36,000 at 90 percent. The USDA will charge the lender a fee for securing the money. But just how bad the farm industry was hit and exactly how long it will require to shake from the drought's effects are subjects of great importance and concern in agribusiness circles a 203 k loan has a provision where you could remain within your current residence without home loan repayments due if your new property is not habitable.

Anonymous said...

Do one thing worthwhile as a substitute of making an attempt to defeat policies that
help the middle class,” says the e-mail that Rubio reads aloud.

Here is my web blog: stupid things to say on facebook status

raybanoutlet001 said...

ugg outlet
ugg outlet
michael kors handbags outlet
hermes belt
coach outlet online
tiffany jewelry
toms shoes
louis vuitton outlet
cleveland cavaliers jersey
gucci outlet

John said...

nfl jerseys
canada goose jackets
mlb jerseys
kate spade handbags
michael kors outlet clearance
canada goose jackets
ugg sale
coach factorty outlet online
michael kors

Anonymous said...

adidas shoes
coach factory outlet
christian louboutin
ecco shoes for men
coach outlet online
canadian goose
cheap oakley sunglasses
ralph lauren outlet
puma shoes

chenminghui said...

coach outlet
michael kors outlet online
kate spade
ralph lauren polo
pandora outlet
pandora charms
ralph lauren polo
ralph lauren outlet
uggs outlet
pandora charms

chenlina said...

salvatore ferragamo
coach outlet online
oakley sunglasses
rolex watches
adidas yeezy
michael kors outlet
air max 90
louis vuitton handbags

Unknown said...

boy london clothing
michael kors outlet
onitsuka tiger shoes
air max
nike roshe
blazer nike
skechers sneakers
iphone x case

yanmaneee said...

kobe 11
goyard tote
nike air vapormax
michael kors factory outlet
chrome hearts outlet
michael kors handbags
kyrie 4
converse shoes
hermes outlet online

dyry said...

see this website blog this content Related Site dig this have a peek at these guys