Karras was wearing an oversized suede jacket with white fur trim along with some sort of large brimmed western cap. I remember walking into the room and saying,
“Howdy, pard’ner.” Karras froze, shooting me a nonplussed look.
He turned back and kinda half smiled at me and gave me every indication he was going to say something. I shuffled toward him making my hands into a pair of fake guns waiting at my hip to be drawn. I kept walking; he kept turning his head to the right, while keeping his eyes on me. I made it all the way to him without him saying a word and I was as confused as he was. I think he might have been looking over my shoulder for security or something as his fake half smile turned into a wooden kimono. I drew my guns with a fifth of Wild Turkey in my hand, and pointed it right at his mouth. He finally spoke, albeit two words.
He said “What . . . um?”
“Who are you?”
“Forgive me, I’m a little crocked, but something has been bugging me.”
“Who are you?”
“I’m the freaking Martian Scoop Miller and if you don’t listen to me right now I see a very bleak future for you.”
I had his attention and I held it by taking a sip of Wild Turkey than passing it to him. We each took a few big tugs. He was looking at me strange; contemplating the odds of me being a Martian. He kept looking into my eyes, searching for clues to something he would never know, but should, but couldn’t. I raised the bottle of Wild Turkey into the air and poured some into my mouth.
“Alex Karras, this is the Martian Scoop Miller sent here from Mars to tell you that if you don’t start talking during the Monday Night Football telecasts, you will lose your job. Period. Done. Finished. Empty Bottle. What? Empty Bottle Karras, would you look at that?”
I softly set the empty bottle on the press table next to the ex-linebacker. The bottle was swaying, trying to keep its balance but eventually fell over. Karras appeared a little freaked out so I walked up to him, put my hand on his shoulder, and pointed at a little red dot in the sky.
I left the room.
I waited a minute and peeked back in and Karras was staring at Mars. He didn’t speak very much that night and for the rest of the season. The next season Karras was replaced by card Dandy Don Meredith.
This story came to mind as I watched aged Dallas Cowboy Drew Bledsoe stink up the joint in Jacksonville on Sunday. Young whippersnapper Tony Romo is waiting in the wings and if Bledsoe doesn't look to Mars for inspiration and start talking, he's going to be out of a job. Sue me.
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