The Planet Shanahan Saga (2004-2006)

Extra! Extra! Shanahan from Outer Space, Griffin Running Scared

October 1^st, 2004

I just got off of the phone with this little Quentin Griffin running back and have come to the conclusion that the thing is quite disturbed. Griffin was a floor flusher in week one of the NFL Season after scoring 3 touchdowns but has been a hayburner ever since. I'm a little shaken by the conversation. I believe he was hinting at the possibility of Denver Bronco coach Mike Shanahan being from outer space. Here’s an excerpt from the interview.

Scoop Miller: So why aren’t you producing Quentin?
Quentin: Coach is from outer space.
Scoop Miller: What are you saying Quentin?
Quentin: Coach is from outer space.
Scoop Miller: Give it too me straight Q, I can take it.
Quentin: Coach is from outer space.

(ABOVE) Exclusive Photo of Mike Shanahan on Planet Shanahan as compared to his Sunday afternoon “Earthware.”

This got the noodle in motion and I realized that every time I've interviewed Shanahan he has given no detail that is relevant to planet earth. I was able to get Shanahan on the phone. (Did you know that there are video phones now? I fell off my chair when an image of Shanahan’s face appeared out of static in my living room.)

Scoop Miller: What do you usually have for breakfast?
Shanahan: Food pills.
Scoop Miller: What is the name of your wife?
Shanahan: RXE222.
Scoop Miller: Where are you from?
Shanahan: You’ve never heard of it.

I then heard what sounded like television static and his face disappeared. I went to the front porch to stare into the heavy night air. There were airplanes scattered all over the skies of the Twin Cities. These flying machines made me think about worlds far away. Was Shanahan delivered to earth in a flying machine? I was looking up to the stars and wondering if the head coach of the Denver Broncos at one time in his life took an exit that said "Planet Earth."

I have to go chase myself, I sense the onset of a bender.

Planet Shanahan Sending Mixed Messages to Planet Earth

July 13^th, 2006

That creature from outer space Mike Shanahan is at it again. That dewdropper sends more mixed signals than Mae West at a cocktail party. He now has proclaimed that the Denver Broncos will be starting Ron Dayne, Tatum Bell & Cedric Cobbs at running back. Shanahan’s shenanigans has fantasy football managers fleeing for juice joints. What the hell is going on out there in Rocky Mountains? Is it no wonder that Shanahan coaches only near mountains as it’s easy access for aliens from Planet Shanahan to swoop in and pick him up for weekend getaways to see his wife RXE222. Apparently they’ve been studying images of the 1968 Texas Longhorns that are just reaching Planet Shanahan as it appears the Broncos are going to go with the wishbone offense in the 2006 NFL season.

I interviewed Shanahan earlier today, his face emerging from static in my living room hovering just above Oscar sleeping on the floor.

Scoop: Listen Shanahan, tell it to me straight, who’s your starting Running Back going to be in 2006?

Shanahan: Ron Dayne.

Scoop: So you’re saying for sure that it’s Dayne?

Shanahan: Tatum Bell.

Scoop: What? Where am I? Mike?

Shanahan: Cedric Cobbs.

Scoop: Cobbs? What the hell is wrong with you?

Shanahan: Transmission fading.

Scoop: Can you send me some booze pills from Planet Shanahan?

Shanahan: Ron Dayne.

Scoop: What?

Shanahan: Tatum Bell.

Scoop: Go chase yourself.

Shanahan: Cedric Cobbs.

Scoop: You dewdrop . . .

Shanahan: Terrell Davis. Transmission. Ceased.

His face disappeared just as Oscar walked into a wall. I was tired of these chewing gum conversations with Shanahan. That space invader ruffles my feathers more than some Joe Brooks in glad rags talking fancy to my date at a party. Screw this, I’m off to the Midway to get bent and curse interplanetary lollygaggers.

Planet Shanahan Names Alien as Starting Running Back

August 17^th, 2006

Holy Hannah Rose! Mike Shanahan has freaked me out for the last time. It’s 7:26 a.m. in St. Paul and I’ve been up for 3 hours. The sun is shining as I peer out the back window of my den. Earthly sounds surround me: sirens are blaring, the neighbors are yelling at each other, some dewdropper is playing the piano badly, cars without mufflers are whizzing by my St. Paul house, my cocktail is empty and my ears are enjoying the thwap, thwap, thwap of the typewriter keys. Yes, things are normal here on Selby Avenue except for what is sitting in my head. A little news that I came across last night that has shaken me to the core.

THE DENVER BRONCOS ARE STARTING AN EXTRATERESTIAL RUNNING BACK CREATED ON PLANET SHANAHAN BY THE NAME OF MIKE BELL!

After an arduous pre-season of trying to guess what shoes Shanahan was going to wear with his suit I had just about settled on the fact that Tatum Bell would end up being the Denver Broncos first string running back when the season opens in a few weeks. I couldn’t have been more wrong. First, that interplanetary lollygagger named Ron Dayne the starter, next he told the world that Cedric Cobbs was a supernatural being, and then he kind of mentioned that the running back with the most talent, Tatum Bell, was in the lead. It was all a set up.

Shanahan is ready to unleash an interplanetary running back on the National Football League. I interviewed Shanahan last night and caught him dead to rights on the true origin of Mike Bell.

Scoop: What the hell is the matter with you?

Shanahan: I’m fine, how are you?

Scoop: (Silence)

Shanahan: (Whirring)

Scoop: How’s RXE222?

Shanahan: She’s good. How’s Rita?

Scoop: Watch it, pal. What did you have for dinner?

Shanahan: Food pills.

Scoop: Who is your starting running back?

Shanahan: RNU777, er, I mean, Mike Bell. Gotta Go.

Well knock me over with Mae West's purse, I was asking those questions so fast that the interplanetary lollygagger revealed everything to me in a moment of ambiguity. The implications of this are huge. Does it state anywhere in the NFL rulebook that creatures from outer space CAN’T play in the NFL? I don’t think it does.

Shanahan has been grooming Mike Bell since he was born on Planet Shanahan under the name RNU777. After years in the Planet Shanahan Running Back Facility.

Broncos Secret RB Facility

He was shipped down to planet earth and installed at the University of Arizona where he had mild success only so that he wouldn’t get drafted by another team. Shanahan quickly snatched him up as a free agent signing and has had him practicing at the Broncos private running back facility with hologram football players in the Rocky Mountains.

If you aren't putting ice in a highball glass right now, what the hell is wrong with you?

Denver offense shipped to Planet Shanahan

October 1^st, 2006

Aside from Tatum Bell racking up the yards the Denver offense has been a pathetic site this year. Someone must have given the Broncos offense some Nevada gas because these boys are in a wooden kimono. Plummer is acting the fool and the receivers are suffering because of it. Reportedly, Shanahan has shipped the entire offensive unit to Planet Shanahan for some fine-tuning in the Planet Shanahan Football Facility.










Denver’s Offense Leaves Earth

Jake Plummer is about to be replaced by an alien as the only thing really working in Denver is there running game. Pull the shades up and look to the skies, a flying disc man is en route from Planet Shanahan with reinforcements and BOOZE PILLS!

New Cyborg Smell

October 10^th, 2006

As predicted last week the reinforcements have arrived from Planet Shanahan! I don’t know if that was Javon Walker and Tatum Bell on Sunday or RKW929 and RFB 455 but whoever it was running around the field was literally glowing with that new cyborg shine. If you looked close enough at Shanahan on Sunday you could see the sliest little alien grin mucking up the lens of the camera as Shanahan still has designs on conquering NFL earth with his legion of space invader footballers. I recently interviewed this interplanetary lollygagger on the set of his house, which is just a fake front so that people don’t see the spaceship in the backyard.

Scoop: How’s RXE222

Planet Shanahan: She’s good, thanks for asking. How’s Rita?

This interview abruptly ended after I charged Planet Shanahan. I was apprehended by two horse robots.